I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
