so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
