We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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