Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
