Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
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apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
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He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?