paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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