I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
