Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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