I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
