I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
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Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
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When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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