I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
