Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
