Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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