I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
