just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
