a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
