Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
It's blow job season.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
