Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
