when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
