Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
