My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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