i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
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