The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
