I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
