I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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