my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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