i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
