Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
