dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Randomize
