thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
