The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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