Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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