every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You have to summon your inner elephant
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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