the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
