You made me cry and you don't even care
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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