I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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