She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
