Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
