dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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