TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
