tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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