I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.