Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.