I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Can you bring me the toilet please
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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