Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
