Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
