remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
