I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Fuck me I smell like cheese
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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