make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
