I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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