"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
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We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
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Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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