Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
