at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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