I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
