dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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