Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
