ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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